As I go through the motions of a miscarriage and carry on with life as if no one knows I thought it might help for me to give you a little example of what thoughts might go through a loss mom’s mind. The things going through my head (and heart) on a daily basis are so hard to explain so much so that I’m having a hard time writing this and transforming these thoughts and feelings into words, so I’ll do my best.
- I may pull away from you. It’s not intentional; it’s just my way of getting space when I need it (or when I think I need it). Please be persistent and don’t pull away from me. Times like this are when someone in pain needs you the most. Please be patient.
- I may not commit or wait until the last minute to commit to do something. I have a very hard time committing to something ahead of time for fear of not knowing how I’ll be feeling that day. If it’s a rough day, I only feel like sleeping.
- I may go out with you and be silent most of the time. But please know that I appreciate you still going out with me.
- I may start crying at any given moment if you ask me just the right things. There are certain little triggers that bring on emotions. You don’t know what they are and most of the time I don’t even know what they are. Please don’t feel bad; it’s good for me to talk about those things.
- I have an enormous amount of anxiety over losing the child I do have. I apologize if I leave the room when I hear of a tragedy of another child. Hearing or reading those stories makes me instantly think of my sweet daughter and makes my mind wander to what if that story were about her?
- I know you’re probably stressed with your children and need a break, but please vent to someone else about them. I love you dearly but please be thankful that your home is always a mess and always noisy. So many people would long for that in their homes but aren’t able to have it.
- I want to talk about my losses. Please don’t hesitate to ask! When I talk about it, it helps me to know that my babies have not been forgotten. And if I don’t want to talk about it, I will simply say so.
- I may be extremely irritable or completely fine. And this is almost at the flip of a switch. I apologize if I ever seem short with you.
- I may do all of these things in one day. Or less.
Someone very wise told me that where our Heavenly Father doesn’t fill you, darkness will. I know these are my weak areas and these areas are only filled by darkness because I am not spending enough time with my Maker. My prayer for you is that the dark places in your life can be filled. That they can be overcome with light! And encouragement! And hope! Loss and pain are such a dark place to walk and even darker when you have to walk it alone. Please don’t be afraid to open up to those around you but also remember to spend time with your heavenly father so the dark areas in your life can be filled too.