A little over two months ago we found out our family of three would soon become a family of four. Just over a month ago we got to see the tiny little baby growing inside of me and hear one of the most amazing sounds; a new heartbeat beating away. A few days later, we found out that the baby no longer had a heartbeat and we were no longer going to be a family of four. Just a few days ago, we found out that precious baby was a little girl and there were no chromosomal abnormalities.
Our sweet baby at our ultrasound.
The past few months have been challenging. They’ve been an emotional roller coaster. They’ve been a testament to how amazing our friends and family are and they’ve brought up a lot of emotions that I’ve felt in the past. This isn’t the first time we’ve lost a baby; this is actually the fifth. This last loss was the furthest along we’ve been and it hurts to know that we saw and heard the healthy little heartbeat only a few days prior.
Even though this challenge in our life is happening-again-I still know that God loves me and I love Him. This isn’t how I’ve always felt though. Several times throughout each one of our losses I’ve felt very alone and in a very dark place but just recently God has truly revealed His love for me. He has continued to prove to me that He does have a purpose for this pain. Someday we may know or we may never know why but I can live for the promise made to us in Psalms. In Psalm 138 it says the Lord will fulfill His purpose for me and His love endures forever.
What is His purpose for this? We aren’t entirely sure right now. Within the next month or so we’re planning to see a specialist at Rochester’s Mayo Clinic but that may lead us to more unanswered questions, so if God decides to say “I want you to adopt” or “you have a beautiful little girl I’ve given you and she will be your only one”, I’ve decided I’m ok with that. I get anxious thinking about the “what if’s” and the “what’s next” but then I’m reminded of a verse in 1 Peter that says, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” How cool, to know that God cares for me! He is right along side me in this battle, knows what the plan is and he has everything under control. I just need to let Him control it and be totally ok with that.
You know what? He cares for you just the same, no matter what your circumstances are, what you’ve done, what you haven’t done; He loves you! In Lamentations it says “Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.” So great is His love for us!
One thing I have learned through all of this is that it has given me a heart for women who are hurting. I have a supernatural amount of compassion for families going through similar things and I’d love to talk to you. I’d love to hear your story, how it has effected you and your marriage (because it isn’t easy, trust me, I know). I want to share with you what I’ve learned and how I’ve kept my faith through these amazingly difficult times. I also think if you talk about your story, you’ll find an incredible amount of healing. I’ve found the more I talk about my angel babies, the more it helps me. Some days are better than others, but on those difficult days, I reach out to those of you who can relate and I want to be there for your difficult days. Whether you reach out to me, to your closest friends, or to your family, most importantly, remember to reach up. Your heavenly Father wants to comfort you, wants to hear you, and wants to be there for you.
Until next time, remember this:
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9
HALLways of Life 
What a beautiful story of your faith and love for God. Thank you for being real and sharing such an intimate part of your life. I am stopping to say a prayer for your family right now.
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Thank you, Julia! It’s so scary to put myself out there but it feels good and I’m hoping that I can encourage others through my pain.
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I am sorry to hear of your recent loss and all your angel babies loses. They say God only gives us what he knows that we can endure. You are very strong and you have great faith. In our infertility I know that God gave us Lily because Dr’s told us that we could not have children. I am grateful and feel blessed for the gift of her. It is a hard thing to go through and the accepting part is very trying. Not having more children sometimes is still my thoughts. I try to believe that this is what God had planned for us. I have had thoughts about infertility treatments, adoption and even foster care during our journey. God Bless you and your family!
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Thank you, Susan! Lily truly is a gift and sweet one at that! 🙂
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Thank you so much for sharing! Topics in relationship to this are hard to talk about and don’t come up in everyday conversation. We struggled for over two and a half years to try to get pregnant and not very many people knew about it. Miscarriage is one thing that I have feared ever since we became pregnant. I think there are a lot of women that struggle in silence with these issues and it’s hard to talk about. Thank you again!
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I couldn’t agree more! Infertility and miscarriage is such a taboo subject. I pray you have an uneventful awesome pregnancy!
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Lovely. I especially loved this:
“Whether you reach out to me, to your closest friends, or to your family, most importantly, remember to reach up.”
What a great way to anchor your heart.
❤ Dani
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Thank you for reading, Dani! I see you and I have been in similar places and my heart breaks for you. I only read your Mother’s Day post and I’m so sorry that you weren’t acknowledged! You absolutely are a mother, whether others think that or not! (((hugs))) I missed RTZ and was SO disappointed! Was it really difficult to watch? I read Carly Marie’s review and thought it sounded excellent. Take care and feel free to reach out if you ever want to. I know we’re just internet strangers but I’ve found some of the most comfort from some of the loss forums I’ve been on over the years.
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Karissa, thank you for stopping by and responding. I appreciate your words of acknowledgement and your time. Especially your time.
As far at RTZ goes, I loved it. But it was heartbreaking, as certain parts were obvious triggers. But they were sacred…those 2 hours.
I do think you’ll like it. Actually, I think you’ll feel somehow empowered by it. Like someone has blown a fullness into your empty places (at least I hope you do). But be prepared. Buy Kleenex. Lots of it.
And yes, I agree with you, we ARE strangers. But intimate strangers.
Our hearts are sewn with a common thread.
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